A personal narrative about a life crisis that develops from unhappiness and pain to harmony and well-being

My partner died in an accident in April 1980. I was 40 years old then, and my entire life changed overnight. We had just planned to marry. I worked as an eye nurse in a small town and my 17 year-old son lived with me. After about 10 months my grief was partly integrated. Shortly after this I was helped by the hypnotic Tranxilen.

My daughter planned marriage and again I started to feel some joy in my life. Then her fiancée died in an incomprehensibly cruel way. Once again everything turned into chaos; I didn't sleep well, I thought a lot about what had happened and contacted a doctor. I was prescribed the tranquiliser oxazepam. After a while it was replaced with a newer preparation called Ativan. "Take it when you need it, it has no serious side effects", I was told.

A number of years went by and then my ex-husband, the father of my children, died in a car accident. I was emotionally and physically in a very bad condition, but I vowed never to exceed the dose 3mg of Ativan per day (which I never did that for that matter). It was half the dose recommended in the GP's handbook of pharmaceutical drugs in Sweden. I was very afraid of becoming addicted to pills. It felt very wrong to solve my problems with pills but I was never offered any other solution. My memories of the period that followed are blurred. I developed different physical and emotional symptoms with for example pain in my body. My life was very limited.

I started touring in the medical service, was given more medicines, painkillers, heart medicines etc. I was treated by 12 different body therapists, went to different courses in relaxation, gestalt therapy and body therapy. I spoke with a priest but only got worse.

My personality changed, it was difficult to concentrate, to read and understand text - it felt like living in a nightmare. I cried very often, but the tears weren't liberating. I had uncontrolled outbursts of anger and started to isolate myself. Thoughts of death were constantly present as were feelings of powerlessness and despair. The last time I visited a psychiatrist, he said: "You must accept that you are a reduced person." These are his exact words.

Somewhere, something was terribly wrong, as if there was some code for me to solve. I found the code in a radio program where Dr. Stefan Borg, S:t Görans hospital in Stockholm was interviewed. He talked about benzodiazepines, Ativan, and various side effects.

This was the code. I understood at once. I had been ill because of my medicine. There was hope ! And, since I used such a low dose, I thought that the problem was solved. That was stupid. I threw away all the pills. After about 10 hours I had severe seizures throughout the body and I thought I was going to die.

Someone gave me the advice to seek help with tapering from a psychiatric unit in my home town. I met a young doctor there. "How much medicines do you steal at work ?". These was his exact words. (I was working at a ward where Ativan wasn't available.)

This was so offending. It left me annihilated with a wish for death. But then I became angry. Terribly angry and in that anger I found power. I threatened to blow the psychiatric unit into pieces and started tapering on my own.

That is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my whole life. It was 6 months until I was rid of these 3 milligrams of Ativan. At times it was hell. After 3 months I found a benzo recovery network in my home town, where I met with understanding and found knowledge. I also started going to rebirth therapy and that saved my sense. With this technique I could integrate what I had gone through. I could understand and respect myself and my feelings and feel my power and my resources.

It is now 7 years since I took my last pill. At times I feel better now than ever before in my life. And when I don't feel so well, I still feel safe, I accept it and try to give myself what I need. I learned that there is sorrow and pain in life and I know that I have resources to deal with it in a developing way. It enriches me and adds to my wisdom.

One of the problems with doctors is that they respond to life crises of their patients with medical diagnoses and preparations. These substances hamper natural healing and add emotional and physical problems. Vicious circles arise.

The medical service rests on male principles and values. Female ways of expression and symptoms are not understood. As a middle aged woman, I have many times felt deeply offended. "Women in your age, with your problems, should be put into the forest.", a doctor once told me. I felt rejected, not seen, as a nuisance, hopeless and worthless.

I also met with understanding, empathy but even then I experienced that the caretaker felt powerless with me.

Now, I want to make a change and make visible women's needs and problems. Our medical service needs a constructive impetus. I want to help people to find their own power, se their own resources so that the joy of life and the creativity may flourish. Today I give lectures and courses, help people with their different dependency problems and every day is an adventure.